As the youngest daughter of a desi family, whenever a guest tries to give me money, I struggle with knowing how many times I need to say, ‘Nahi nahi, ye takaluf na karein,’ before it’s actually okay for me to accept the cash note. To be fair, if social etiquette weren’t a thing, I’d GLADLY accept the money without refusing at all, because who doesn’t love money?
But as I grow up, I realize that social etiquette, no matter how confusing they might be, define the core principles of respect and sincerity in South Asian culture. Here’s a commentary on some of the most imperative social etiquette within our culture so that the next time you’re sitting in a desi gathering, you know just what to do to endear yourself to the aunties and perhaps, not give you as many impertinent side-eyes.
The first etiquette to consider is our absolute deference to elders in society, which means that we hold our seniors in high regard and respect. This can manifest in various ways: when food is served, elders eat first, or when an elder enters a room, you’re expected to leave your seat for them. In South Asian countries, families form a dominant unit of society. This means that the hierarchy within these families is followed religiously, and those who are younger must completely revere their elders. This is likely because older people are thought to be mature and wise, given their longer lives and diverse experiences. This wisdom commands the utmost respect in all contexts; however, we can all agree that, at times, this etiquette can be condescending. It perpetuates the narrative that our elders are always right and assumes that, just because our numerical existence is smaller than theirs, we are less intelligent, even though this isn’t actually true.
The following is probably South Asia’s favorite etiquette: bringing food to a guest’s house. If it’s a very close relative whom you visit frequently, then it’s not necessary to bring food as a gift for them; however, if it’s a person you’re meeting for the first time or someone you’ve only met a few times, then you must bring something along! You might wonder why we have such a custom, even though there’s an unspoken implication that our hosts will ultimately feed us. Well, the answer is simple: it is seen as a token of gratitude for the hospitality your hosts provide and for inviting you to such a personal and intimate part of their lives—their home. In most cases, people also bring sweets to symbolize the love and affection they have for their host’s children. (If you’re the type to bring Gourmet’s almond cake as a gift, I’ll politely threaten you to return home and never think of coming back to mine.)
Punctuality is one of the fundamental etiquette of South Asian culture, but the real question is: do we all actually adhere to it? Certainly not. Brown people will blatantly lie on wedding cards and say that the event will start at 7 PM and end at 10 PM, even though the ‘barat’ eventually only arrives at 9 PM. You may find yourself despising tardiness when you’re on the receiving end of it, but when you’re the perpetrator, you’ll nervously laugh, tuck your hair behind your ear, and come up with an excuse to cover up for how late you are. Arriving on time is seen as a sign of respect for others’ time. It makes you seem professional and serious about what you’re there to do—even though, I’d argue this isn’t really an etiquette but rather just the bare minimum!
The language you choose to communicate is one of the niche etiquette that exists within brown society, but it’s one that can take you a long way. When sitting amidst a gathering, the language you use contributes to the quality of the conversation you have. In most cases, brown people vehemently dislike it when communication is conducted in English rather than in their own language. This is because South Asians feel very patriotic and possessive about their culture and traditions; thus, if you speak in a language that isn’t indigenous, it can come off as patronizing and whitewashed. This etiquette should be discussed more often in society because I too feel like English is a neocolonial language. We must let go of our colonial mindset, where we think that speaking our language makes us seem ‘uncool,’ and we must stop attaching unnecessary significance to English. After all, it’s about time we start embracing our cultural identity proudly.
This commentary is perhaps just a page of the entire book. Respecting elders, reciprocating hospitality, valuing time and venerating your language are only a few ways to honor your intricate culture as a South Asian. So, whether you’re navigating your way through a desi wedding or trying to figure out how not to offend your grandmother during dinner, one thing is for sure. Etiquette in South Asian countries is an art form that might seem overwhelming at first, but gets easier the more you do it. Aadat hou hi jaati hai. You get used to it.
By Arfa Tiwana
Writer (Team 2024-2025)